Waiting for the corner just a glimpse so I can see where I might turn. Where the tears will slow and my heart will beat without the pain of breakage. Unaccustomed to this stasis the corner seems but a dream So I lean I lean into the grief I lean away I sway in the... Continue Reading →
I am not at all steady today, sweet boy. The tears won't stop. My eyes are swollen. The world does not spin as it should. The fog descended again and everything seems slow motion. It has been twenty-two days. Today I am simply hoping to hope. Years ago I wrote a blog about Kintsugi, the... Continue Reading →
We went to Tyson's Corner today. Nathan asked if we could and he never asks for anything. I put the bravest face on I could and off we went. It was strange just going to the car. There was no backpack to stuff with catheters, aprons, pullups, wipes, g-tube kits, and pureed food. No extra... Continue Reading →
After Nathan goes to school I sit in the living room and wait for the morning sun. She begins quietly, warmly, subtly. Over a span of just minutes she presents herself, glorious and strong. The dusty windows do not deter her. She comes anyway. Last night Leane, Morgan, Chris, Audrey, and Baby Chloe came for... Continue Reading →
I am struggling today with the "what ifs". I read that the brain actually prefers guilt over helplessness. Mine is desperately trying to make sense of senselessness. Grief, it seems, can make us become our own harshest judge. I remind myself, moment to moment sometimes, that the medical professionals didn't even know how sick you... Continue Reading →
It is another beautiful day, sweet boy. I feel a little steadier today. Still so very sad and lost but steady in this place. Steve took me to the Overlook Produce to look at plants. I was afraid of how I might react when I saw Buc-ees across the street. How you loved that place!... Continue Reading →
I have never been so far from who I am. An imperceivable smile stifles the little laughter barely there that never escapes. Tears are liberal... forceful... unceasingly present and beyond my control. We are both gone yet I remain The world cruelly goes on Bills need to be paid The dryer broke Friends inquire how... Continue Reading →
It is a beautiful day today, sweet boy. The kind of day you would sit on the swing and with furious determination scroll through your Ipad. I managed to catch up on watering plants and even repotted a couple. Still, most of the day was spent on the couch unpacking the medical trauma from two... Continue Reading →
Steve and I went to church today with the "baby." When I brought Nathan home from the hospital thirteen years ago I taught you the sign for "baby". It didn't occur to me then that someday you would still be calling the six-foot one teen age brother "baby". You loved it when he came with... Continue Reading →
Two weeks ago this day your heart beat for the last time. It feels like two decades at times and two minutes at others. Time is cruel. I went to Home Depot today. You hated Home Depot. It was your least favorite store but we also had fun there, especially during Christmas. We would push... Continue Reading →
Patience to Endure 