Category: God

Hugs

I picked up Nathan by myself yesterday. It was the first time I have since you left. Every day around ten a.m. you would start signing "Pick up baby" and you would get so mad when I told you it would be several hours more. Finally, at 2:50 pm Monday through Friday you would squeal... Continue Reading →

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And There She Is

One month ago today, sweet boy, we took you to the Emergency Department. They thought you were stable. They thought you would go to a general medicine floor. But that was when the first domino was only teetering and had not yet fallen. For the last month I have cried out to God day and... Continue Reading →

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Cola

I am not at all steady today, sweet boy. The tears won't stop. My eyes are swollen. The world does not spin as it should. The fog descended again and everything seems slow motion. It has been twenty-two days. Today I am simply hoping to hope. Years ago I wrote a blog about Kintsugi, the... Continue Reading →

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Held

We went to Tyson's Corner today. Nathan asked if we could and he never asks for anything. I put the bravest face on I could and off we went. It was strange just going to the car. There was no backpack to stuff with catheters, aprons, pullups, wipes, g-tube kits, and pureed food. No extra... Continue Reading →

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The Reason

After Nathan goes to school I sit in the living room and wait for the morning sun. She begins quietly, warmly, subtly. Over a span of just minutes she presents herself, glorious and strong. The dusty windows do not deter her. She comes anyway. Last night Leane, Morgan, Chris, Audrey, and Baby Chloe came for... Continue Reading →

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Empty

It is another beautiful day, sweet boy. I feel a little steadier today. Still so very sad and lost but steady in this place. Steve took me to the Overlook Produce to look at plants. I was afraid of how I might react when I saw Buc-ees across the street. How you loved that place!... Continue Reading →

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Church

Steve and I went to church today with the "baby." When I brought Nathan home from the hospital thirteen years ago I taught you the sign for "baby". It didn't occur to me then that someday you would still be calling the six-foot one teen age brother "baby". You loved it when he came with... Continue Reading →

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Home Depot

Two weeks ago this day your heart beat for the last time. It feels like two decades at times and two minutes at others. Time is cruel. I went to Home Depot today. You hated Home Depot. It was your least favorite store but we also had fun there, especially during Christmas. We would push... Continue Reading →

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It Isn’t Just Walmart

I ventured out for the first time in almost two weeks since my precious son passed away. We drove to a Walmart 30 minutes from our home, one he did not go to on our daily outings. I thought it might be easier. I thought wrong. Walmart is Walmart. We walked in. Deep breath. Two... Continue Reading →

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