Sweet boy, we are approaching six weeks since the loss of you. At first I counted time by days and now in weeks. I don't know why I mark the time from the day you died - only that I do. Just as we tell a baby's age at first by days, then weeks, then... Continue Reading →
Assured: something guaranteed, certain, confidently expected. When you were born, sweet boy, we had no idea you would have special needs. I went to the operating room for a repeat cesarean section fully expecting a normal, healthy baby boy. Your cry was weak. The room was silent. Something was not right. No one came to... Continue Reading →
One of your favorite people stopped by today, sweet boy. She is one of mine as well. Walking into the house with a smile, determination, and a bag hanging off her shoulder she said, "I have some things. I want to pray over you. Is that ok?" We sat on the couch as she pulled... Continue Reading →
Five weeks ago today, sweet boy, I left the hospital without you. When Steve and I arrived home Grandma was standing in the kitchen. She saw me slowly walk up the steps hugging your pillow. I didn't need to say a word. She knew I would never leave you in the hospital alone. Your brothers... Continue Reading →
Twenty-four years seems too short yet a miracle. You were medically fragile but the strongest person I knew. Your death was shocking but anticipated. You are my son but you are not here. I have been looking for answers that may never come. My heart knows healing and alleviation will not be found in the... Continue Reading →
Seventeen has always been a significant number in the life of our family. We have had many births, deaths, and significant events involving the number. Your Grandpa went to Vietnam on a 17 and returned on a 17. My Grandpa died on a 17. Your dad was born on a 17 as was I and... Continue Reading →
Right now, at this moment in my life, sweet boy, daring to hope in this despair is the bravest thing I can do.
Grandma has been cleaning out my closet to make space for your things, sweet boy. I can't bring myself to let anything of yours go other than your bed. I will sort through your toys and clothes once I am stronger. She found books in a dusty box. Titles like, "Even This", "Just Enough Light... Continue Reading →
I am not at all steady today, sweet boy. The tears won't stop. My eyes are swollen. The world does not spin as it should. The fog descended again and everything seems slow motion. It has been twenty-two days. Today I am simply hoping to hope. Years ago I wrote a blog about Kintsugi, the... Continue Reading →
It is another beautiful day, sweet boy. I feel a little steadier today. Still so very sad and lost but steady in this place. Steve took me to the Overlook Produce to look at plants. I was afraid of how I might react when I saw Buc-ees across the street. How you loved that place!... Continue Reading →
Patience to Endure 