Sweet boy, we are approaching six weeks since the loss of you. At first I counted time by days and now in weeks. I don't know why I mark the time from the day you died - only that I do. Just as we tell a baby's age at first by days, then weeks, then... Continue Reading →
Assured: something guaranteed, certain, confidently expected. When you were born, sweet boy, we had no idea you would have special needs. I went to the operating room for a repeat cesarean section fully expecting a normal, healthy baby boy. Your cry was weak. The room was silent. Something was not right. No one came to... Continue Reading →
One of your favorite people stopped by today, sweet boy. She is one of mine as well. Walking into the house with a smile, determination, and a bag hanging off her shoulder she said, "I have some things. I want to pray over you. Is that ok?" We sat on the couch as she pulled... Continue Reading →
Five weeks ago today, sweet boy, I left the hospital without you. When Steve and I arrived home Grandma was standing in the kitchen. She saw me slowly walk up the steps hugging your pillow. I didn't need to say a word. She knew I would never leave you in the hospital alone. Your brothers... Continue Reading →
Twenty-four years seems too short yet a miracle. You were medically fragile but the strongest person I knew. Your death was shocking but anticipated. You are my son but you are not here. I have been looking for answers that may never come. My heart knows healing and alleviation will not be found in the... Continue Reading →
Seventeen has always been a significant number in the life of our family. We have had many births, deaths, and significant events involving the number. Your Grandpa went to Vietnam on a 17 and returned on a 17. My Grandpa died on a 17. Your dad was born on a 17 as was I and... Continue Reading →
Right now, at this moment in my life, sweet boy, daring to hope in this despair is the bravest thing I can do.
I picked up Nathan by myself yesterday. It was the first time I have since you left. Every day around ten a.m. you would start signing "Pick up baby" and you would get so mad when I told you it would be several hours more. Finally, at 2:50 pm Monday through Friday you would squeal... Continue Reading →
One month ago today, sweet boy, we took you to the Emergency Department. They thought you were stable. They thought you would go to a general medicine floor. But that was when the first domino was only teetering and had not yet fallen. For the last month I have cried out to God day and... Continue Reading →
Waiting for the corner just a glimpse so I can see where I might turn. Where the tears will slow and my heart will beat without the pain of breakage. Unaccustomed to this stasis the corner seems but a dream So I lean I lean into the grief I lean away I sway in the... Continue Reading →
Patience to Endure 