One of your favorite people stopped by today, sweet boy. She is one of mine as well. Walking into the house with a smile, determination, and a bag hanging off her shoulder she said, "I have some things. I want to pray over you. Is that ok?" We sat on the couch as she pulled... Continue Reading →
Right now, at this moment in my life, sweet boy, daring to hope in this despair is the bravest thing I can do.
Grandma has been cleaning out my closet to make space for your things, sweet boy. I can't bring myself to let anything of yours go other than your bed. I will sort through your toys and clothes once I am stronger. She found books in a dusty box. Titles like, "Even This", "Just Enough Light... Continue Reading →
I picked up Nathan by myself yesterday. It was the first time I have since you left. Every day around ten a.m. you would start signing "Pick up baby" and you would get so mad when I told you it would be several hours more. Finally, at 2:50 pm Monday through Friday you would squeal... Continue Reading →
I am not at all steady today, sweet boy. The tears won't stop. My eyes are swollen. The world does not spin as it should. The fog descended again and everything seems slow motion. It has been twenty-two days. Today I am simply hoping to hope. Years ago I wrote a blog about Kintsugi, the... Continue Reading →
We went to Tyson's Corner today. Nathan asked if we could and he never asks for anything. I put the bravest face on I could and off we went. It was strange just going to the car. There was no backpack to stuff with catheters, aprons, pullups, wipes, g-tube kits, and pureed food. No extra... Continue Reading →
After Nathan goes to school I sit in the living room and wait for the morning sun. She begins quietly, warmly, subtly. Over a span of just minutes she presents herself, glorious and strong. The dusty windows do not deter her. She comes anyway. Last night Leane, Morgan, Chris, Audrey, and Baby Chloe came for... Continue Reading →
I ventured out for the first time in almost two weeks since my precious son passed away. We drove to a Walmart 30 minutes from our home, one he did not go to on our daily outings. I thought it might be easier. I thought wrong. Walmart is Walmart. We walked in. Deep breath. Two... Continue Reading →
The silence stings. Absence is all I hear…Your laughter no longer reverberates through the house.For now, it only whispers in my heart and I long with all my beingto hear more, louder, explosive you.The chaos is gone. Yet you remain The beautiful fractals of excitement, impatience, joy, and love are flat and cold.Normal is abnormal... Continue Reading →
I confess. I lost myself for a while. When someone would ask how I was I would begin speaking about how the boys were or my mom or my husband. I have one friend who would always stop me and ask, "but how are YOU?" I never really knew how to answer that question. I... Continue Reading →
Patience to Endure 