Sweet boy, today is our first holiday without you. It is one of those days I fiercely fight the tears because if they begin, they will not end. And that isn't fair to your baby brother Nathan. Holidays can be tinged with grief and not tainted. We went to church this morning. I did cry... Continue Reading →
The hurt is constant but heavier today, sweet boy. Tomorrow is Easter and I will only make one basket. This will be our first family holiday in the after. I am hunting for the good. Every morning I wake up and my first thought is, "He is gone." My second thought is a prayer. For... Continue Reading →
Assured: something guaranteed, certain, confidently expected. When you were born, sweet boy, we had no idea you would have special needs. I went to the operating room for a repeat cesarean section fully expecting a normal, healthy baby boy. Your cry was weak. The room was silent. Something was not right. No one came to... Continue Reading →
One of your favorite people stopped by today, sweet boy. She is one of mine as well. Walking into the house with a smile, determination, and a bag hanging off her shoulder she said, "I have some things. I want to pray over you. Is that ok?" We sat on the couch as she pulled... Continue Reading →
Five weeks ago today, sweet boy, I left the hospital without you. When Steve and I arrived home Grandma was standing in the kitchen. She saw me slowly walk up the steps hugging your pillow. I didn't need to say a word. She knew I would never leave you in the hospital alone. Your brothers... Continue Reading →
Twenty-four years seems too short yet a miracle. You were medically fragile but the strongest person I knew. Your death was shocking but anticipated. You are my son but you are not here. I have been looking for answers that may never come. My heart knows healing and alleviation will not be found in the... Continue Reading →
I have heard grief described as waves in the ocean, elevators, rubberband balls, and roller coasters. It is all those things at once. Grief isn't just an analogy. It is raw. It is ruthless. It is reckless. It is my temporary reality. Grief is crying seeing the walls where you made them dirty. I can... Continue Reading →
In the land of tomorrows I cannot find you there Until my last one when we will finally hug once again. In the land of today my being cries out as I seek a glimpse in the illusive breeze, desperate to feel perhaps you are still somehow here. Finding only space and tears I seek... Continue Reading →
Waiting for the corner just a glimpse so I can see where I might turn. Where the tears will slow and my heart will beat without the pain of breakage. Unaccustomed to this stasis the corner seems but a dream So I lean I lean into the grief I lean away I sway in the... Continue Reading →
I am not at all steady today, sweet boy. The tears won't stop. My eyes are swollen. The world does not spin as it should. The fog descended again and everything seems slow motion. It has been twenty-two days. Today I am simply hoping to hope. Years ago I wrote a blog about Kintsugi, the... Continue Reading →
Patience to Endure 