Twenty-four years seems too short yet a miracle. You were medically fragile but the strongest person I knew. Your death was shocking but anticipated. You are my son but you are not here. I have been looking for answers that may never come. My heart knows healing and alleviation will not be found in the... Continue Reading →
Grandma has been cleaning out my closet to make space for your things, sweet boy. I can't bring myself to let anything of yours go other than your bed. I will sort through your toys and clothes once I am stronger. She found books in a dusty box. Titles like, "Even This", "Just Enough Light... Continue Reading →
In the land of tomorrows I cannot find you there Until my last one when we will finally hug once again. In the land of today my being cries out as I seek a glimpse in the illusive breeze, desperate to feel perhaps you are still somehow here. Finding only space and tears I seek... Continue Reading →
I picked up Nathan by myself yesterday. It was the first time I have since you left. Every day around ten a.m. you would start signing "Pick up baby" and you would get so mad when I told you it would be several hours more. Finally, at 2:50 pm Monday through Friday you would squeal... Continue Reading →
One month ago today, sweet boy, we took you to the Emergency Department. They thought you were stable. They thought you would go to a general medicine floor. But that was when the first domino was only teetering and had not yet fallen. For the last month I have cried out to God day and... Continue Reading →
I am not at all steady today, sweet boy. The tears won't stop. My eyes are swollen. The world does not spin as it should. The fog descended again and everything seems slow motion. It has been twenty-two days. Today I am simply hoping to hope. Years ago I wrote a blog about Kintsugi, the... Continue Reading →
After Nathan goes to school I sit in the living room and wait for the morning sun. She begins quietly, warmly, subtly. Over a span of just minutes she presents herself, glorious and strong. The dusty windows do not deter her. She comes anyway. Last night Leane, Morgan, Chris, Audrey, and Baby Chloe came for... Continue Reading →
It is another beautiful day, sweet boy. I feel a little steadier today. Still so very sad and lost but steady in this place. Steve took me to the Overlook Produce to look at plants. I was afraid of how I might react when I saw Buc-ees across the street. How you loved that place!... Continue Reading →
I have never been so far from who I am. An imperceivable smile stifles the little laughter barely there that never escapes. Tears are liberal... forceful... unceasingly present and beyond my control. We are both gone yet I remain The world cruelly goes on Bills need to be paid The dryer broke Friends inquire how... Continue Reading →
It is a beautiful day today, sweet boy. The kind of day you would sit on the swing and with furious determination scroll through your Ipad. I managed to catch up on watering plants and even repotted a couple. Still, most of the day was spent on the couch unpacking the medical trauma from two... Continue Reading →
Patience to Endure 