Five weeks ago today, sweet boy, I left the hospital without you. When Steve and I arrived home Grandma was standing in the kitchen. She saw me slowly walk up the steps hugging your pillow. I didn't need to say a word. She knew I would never leave you in the hospital alone. Your brothers... Continue Reading →
Twenty-four years seems too short yet a miracle. You were medically fragile but the strongest person I knew. Your death was shocking but anticipated. You are my son but you are not here. I have been looking for answers that may never come. My heart knows healing and alleviation will not be found in the... Continue Reading →
I have heard grief described as waves in the ocean, elevators, rubberband balls, and roller coasters. It is all those things at once. Grief isn't just an analogy. It is raw. It is ruthless. It is reckless. It is my temporary reality. Grief is crying seeing the walls where you made them dirty. I can... Continue Reading →
Grandma has been cleaning out my closet to make space for your things, sweet boy. I can't bring myself to let anything of yours go other than your bed. I will sort through your toys and clothes once I am stronger. She found books in a dusty box. Titles like, "Even This", "Just Enough Light... Continue Reading →
I picked up Nathan by myself yesterday. It was the first time I have since you left. Every day around ten a.m. you would start signing "Pick up baby" and you would get so mad when I told you it would be several hours more. Finally, at 2:50 pm Monday through Friday you would squeal... Continue Reading →
We went to Tyson's Corner today. Nathan asked if we could and he never asks for anything. I put the bravest face on I could and off we went. It was strange just going to the car. There was no backpack to stuff with catheters, aprons, pullups, wipes, g-tube kits, and pureed food. No extra... Continue Reading →
After Nathan goes to school I sit in the living room and wait for the morning sun. She begins quietly, warmly, subtly. Over a span of just minutes she presents herself, glorious and strong. The dusty windows do not deter her. She comes anyway. Last night Leane, Morgan, Chris, Audrey, and Baby Chloe came for... Continue Reading →
I am struggling today with the "what ifs". I read that the brain actually prefers guilt over helplessness. Mine is desperately trying to make sense of senselessness. Grief, it seems, can make us become our own harshest judge. I remind myself, moment to moment sometimes, that the medical professionals didn't even know how sick you... Continue Reading →
It is another beautiful day, sweet boy. I feel a little steadier today. Still so very sad and lost but steady in this place. Steve took me to the Overlook Produce to look at plants. I was afraid of how I might react when I saw Buc-ees across the street. How you loved that place!... Continue Reading →
It is a beautiful day today, sweet boy. The kind of day you would sit on the swing and with furious determination scroll through your Ipad. I managed to catch up on watering plants and even repotted a couple. Still, most of the day was spent on the couch unpacking the medical trauma from two... Continue Reading →
Patience to Endure 