Patience to Endure

Tag: inspirational

  • Trust the Process

    Trust the Process

    We drove to Lynchburg just to go to the mall. My son, Wesley, has significant special needs and this week is spring break. Because of those special needs we can not travel further than we can drive. Wesley’s favorite thing in the entire world is going to malls. So, instead of a fabulous beach vacation somewhere warm we go to every mall within a 90 mile drive. We pack up the RV and make a day of it. I would have it no other way.

    As we walked past the Master Cuts in the mall I noticed that all three stylist were available. Both my youngest and I needed haircuts so we walked in and were immediately helped. A young man named Chase was my stylist. I explained to him I was a busy mom and wanted something that wouldn’t take too long to style. Typically, my hair has long layers and side swept bangs. Simple enough, I thought.

    As Chase began cutting my hair I began to doubt this was a good idea. He was taking pieces of hair, twisting them, and then using a blade to cut. I had never had my hair done this way and was fighting the urge to run out of Master Cuts before he ruined my hair.

    This was an unfamiliar process with an unfamiliar person. I had only met him moments before and had no time to establish trust. I didn’t know if he was even talented enough to pull off whatever it was he had in mind which was clearly different than the hope I expressed.

    I fought back tears as chunks of hair went flying. It will grow back, I thought. I was sure I would be wearing a pony tail until it did.

    Then he started to dry it and the shape started to be obvious. This wasn’t the worst haircut I’ve ever had. In fact, it might just be my favorite.

    It is difficult to trust the process when we are in the hands of an unknown person. For it is not only the process we need to trust, it is the entity who is unfolding it. I would not have had the slightest trepidation had Chase been someone with whom I was familiar, who had cut my hair before, who had a proven track record.

    Trust the process…

    I was recently chatting with a friend. He said, “The journey is the reward.” How often do I take the time to recognize the reward is in the journey while trusting the process?

    I replay my experience at Master Cuts only now I sit in God’s beauty chair. He is not unfamiliar to me. In fact, He might be the most familiar one to me. He has the greatest proven record of creating beauty from ashes not just in my own life but in the lives of people I love and in the stories I read in His Word – one hundred percent.

    He takes pieces of my life and the twisting is uncomfortable. It is down right painful on some days. I don’t understand what He is doing. The process isn’t like anything I have ever endured. He takes a razor and cuts pieces He knows I won’t need but I can’t see it. I don’t have eyes that can tell. Sometimes I panic. My trust wavers and I ask Him to help me with my unbelief.

    Pieces land on the floor and I am not sure I wanted them to not be attached to me. I trust the process but I mourn the loss. It feels as if I have been sitting for so long and my back aches a bit. I want to get up and move around. I have had enough.

    He tells me it is not time yet.

    He tells me I need the patience to endure.

    He tells me what He is shaping for me will be the most beautiful life I can imagine but I have to sit for a while.

    He tells me He isn’t finished.

    He tells me what I see as a mess, He sees as a masterpiece.

    I trust His eyes. I trust His vision. I trust His hands. If they created the universe from nothing surely He will create something beautiful in me.

    And so I am not done waiting. I trust the process. I find the journey to be the reward because in the journey I am being molded into what He wants me to be. As I sit in His chair we talk. We grow closer. I learn to love Him more and the reflection staring back at me. Yet in the changing vision I come to realize that only He, much more than I, could be trusted to shape who I was meant to be, who I long to be, who He created me to be.

    I surrender.

    I surrender to His cutting, pruning, extracting, and twisting.

    I surrender to His shaping.

    I surrender my strength, mercy, compassion, kindness, love, and peace for His.

    I surrender to whatever it is He wants to remove.

    I surrender what I wanted to what He wants.

    I surrender fear.

    I surrender to the process.

    I find the reward is in the journey.

    As He begins to reveal to me what He has created, I smile. It doesn’t matter if the final product is what I had hoped. If it is what He wanted for me then it is, without question, more than I could have ever asked or imagined. That is how my God works. How can I do anything other than trust His process and find joy in it?

  • Hidden

    Hidden

    When I was a child my father had a dark room in our basement. If I close my eyes I can almost smell the chemicals. I would spend time with him there as he would dip a seemingly blank sheet of paper into trays of chemicals. As a child I was not interested in the particulars of the chemicals or the mechanism by which it worked. I just knew my loving father was creating something from nothing in darkness.

    I remember not being able to discern what the picture would be until the process was complete and the light was turned on. I had to be very obedient and not turn the light on or open the door until he told me it was safe. If light entered at the wrong time it would over or under develop the photo and the perfection would have been lost.

    I believe my Father creates His most magnificent, beautiful and miraculous masterpieces in what appears to be darkness. Yet darkness is not dark to God.

    “Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, but the night shines as the day; the darkness and light are both alike to you.” Psalm 139:12

    In Genesis we see God’s first work as He creates something out of nothing.

    “Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.” Genesis 1:2

    Hovering is defined as attending to and caring for; to keep lingering about; wait near at hand. As a mother, I understand this word well. When my children were infants I hovered. I was never far away enough that I would not know if they were hungry or tired or in need of changing. I waited near at hand. My oldest son, Emerson, might argue that I hover still.

    From the very beginning of time and the written account of God, His presence in the darkness is assured. Not only that, it is not a passive presence. It is active. It is caring. It is tender. It is waiting.

    Each of our lives began in the dark as God stitched us together in our mothers’ wombs. The progress is not perceptible on the outside but inside cells are dividing and organs are growing. Energy is being expended and growth is rapidly occurring. Yet outside of the dark womb the only evidence of growth is a slowly expanding belly.

    My entire faith hinges upon a single event that occurred in complete darkness. Jesus’ resurrection took place in a cold, dark tomb meant for finality and death. As the Disciples scattered and hid in panic and fear, Jesus opened His eyes once again and saw nothing but darkness.

    He tells me His perfect gifts are hidden in darkness.

    In the darkroom of my soul, God is developing my picture. I am entirely unsure of what that picture will ultimately be, but I know it will be good. It will be glorious because I know the Hands of Him who holds me. Just because I can not see the progression does not mean it is not occurring. In the womb the progression, especially to the pregnant mother, is ever so gradual. In the tomb it was, I imagine, a split second. His eyes were closed and then they were opened. The amount of time to develop my picture is entirely at the discretion of my Father.

    Still, at times I get anxious for the light to turn back on. I am ready to see the final product. God gently reminds me that my need for swiftness will not alter the time it takes for the picture to fully develop. Like the blank piece of photo paper soaking in developer, I let my faith drown me. I remember dark is not dark to my God.

    I love spending time with my Father in His darkroom. If I close my eyes I can feel His Spirit. I don’t the mechanism by which He works, I just know my loving Father is creating something from nothing in darkness. He holds me gently and tenderly as the picture develops. He hovers. He tends to and cares for me. In His timing the light will be turned on and the brilliance of His unfailing love will leave me in awe of the masterpiece that came victoriously and triumphantly out of the darkness.

  • Hallelujah

    Hallelujah

    February 10, 2019

    Dear Gary,

    It has been eight years. Eight years ago today you walked out of our basement door, into the woods, out of our lives and into eternity. Sometimes it feels like eight minutes and sometimes it feels like eight decades. Time is a strange thing when one is grieving. Like everything else, it makes little sense.

    It took a very long time for the image of you on that day to leave my mind. For a while it was constant. Each time it appeared I would ask God to show me where He was and He did. Eventually, I was able to focus on the image of Him holding on to me as I screamed a sound I did not know could come from within me. The memory of you lying there became a voluntary one rather than unhibitated and relentless. It was torture.

    I know you weren’t thinking clearly when you walked into the woods with your gun and probably didn’t consider that it was going to be me to find you. I went into shock. They put me in the ambulance that was meant for you. My dad’s pleading words, “The boys need you,” gave me something to hold on to instead of floating into that unknown territory called disassociation. They lost you on that day and I knew they could not lose us both.

    Our friends, our church family, Community Bible Study, and the Covenant School enveloped us. They brought us food for months. They prayed for us and those prayers carried me. They helped take care of our boys. You would have been amazed by them. I never really knew how much they loved us until the evening of February 10th. We truly would not have made it without them.

    Three days after you died I went to church and spoke. I confessed that Satan might have won a battle but he would not have this family. I was bloody and wounded but ready to battle in order to not let him have another victory. I promised God I would do my part to be sure He received every ounce of Glory from our story. It is a promise to which I cling even to this day.

    We had to have your memorial at Covenant Church since there would be over 500 people there from every walk of life. It was a wonderful testimony to how you treated everyone equally whether an addict struggling with recovery or a wealthy businessman. It was one of the things I loved the most about you. You treated everyone with dignity and respect.

    I delivered your eulogy. There was so much left unsaid and I felt strongly there were things you would have wanted me to say. I think you would have been proud of me. I refused to be the widow crumpled up and crying in the front row. As you knew, that just was not me. God empowered me to deliver your eulogy. My great need for Him compelled me to lift my hands in praise even though I could barely lift my head. There was no other way other than God’s Grace, mercy, and power.

    I knew you would have wanted us to celebrate so I added a little humor. My concluding thoughts were:

    As the person who knew Gary better than anyone I believe he would want me to tell you this:  Hug your children a little tighter.  Take time to be with God.  Stop and be still. Fight for the things you believe in and never back down. To those who suffer depression and addiction, I believe he would remind you that your disease is relentless and to fight it with all you have.  Tend to your recovery like a delicate garden watering it every day and rooting out the weeds immediately.  He would tell you to not be ashamed of your disease.  People with cancer and diabetes do not feel shame because of theirs nor should you.  To his children he would say “I love you. Hold your head high, walk humbly with your God. Know who you are and what you were made for”.  To everyone else, he would tell you to ALWAYS… ALWAYS vote republican.

    Three weeks after you died an anonymous family stepped in and paid Emerson’s tuition to the Covenant School so that he could continue to attend. I was simply told a “family who loves our son wanted to be sure he could stay.” Of all the things I worried about, losing Covenant, the only school Emerson knew, was the one thing I did not want us to be without and God provided a way. They paid his tuition through graduation and now pay for his baby brother to attend.

    I was able to stay in the house which was the best possible scenario for our boys. I would have preferred to move and not have to remember that day every single time I looked out the window or walked in the backyard but with Wesley’s autism it would not have been good for him. The boys needed stability. Their whole world changed on February tenth and I wanted some semblance of consistency for them.

    Sometimes Wesley will look up to the sky and laugh and sign Daddy. It’s almost as if he’s talking to you and I honestly wonder sometimes if God allows you a moment to connect with Wesley. I hope He does because of everyone you left, I think I was most angry at you for leaving Wesley. He adored you and because of his profound cognitive impairment he just does not understand why you are not home with us. Sometimes he sees men in the store and will get excited, signing “Daddy” because he thinks it is you. He waits for you to come home still.

    I did not get to grieve you the way I wish I could have. See, suicide leaves the us feeling betrayed and abandoned. I’ve spent the last eight years struggling with anger and abandonment and even “struggling” is too light of a word. It was a full blown war and each and every day I battled for my soul. I did not want to let bitterness overtake me though it tried. It is a formidable foe. But God…

    To this day I find myself looking around the basement hoping to find a note. I desperately wanted one last goodbye. I wanted an explanation. I wanted to know why. I wanted anything other than nothing.

    I have always found great solace that I left nothing unsaid. I am so grateful for the gift of our very last interaction. Perhaps part of your plan was to leave me with that last memory of us kneeling, holding hands, and praying together. I hope it was. We never truly know when the last thing we do or say will be the last thing. I certainly had no idea that saying “Amen” was the last thing we would do together and the last words I would hear you say. Thank you for that.

    We had 17 years together, 42.5 percent of my life was with you. We saw time and time again God’s faithfulness and provision. We saw how allowing Him to work in our lives ultimately led to more glory for Him and a life for us that was more than we could have imagined.

    Remember the time we closed on our home here? Your malpractice fell through the very next day and we were told you needed $20,000 in three days or you would not qualify. I remember you were in a panic because if we didn’t make the deadline it would be another year before you could get on a policy but we simply did not have that kind of money. We faced a year of no income and a brand new home. But then God showed up. The next day you checked the mail and found the letter from the hospital where Wesley had numerous stays. They received an insurance payment and were reimbursing us in the amount was $21,000. I remember we laughed and celebrated because not only did God provide what we needed, He gave us an extra grand. We trusted Him and believed He had a plan for us.

    But not this time. I know with my whole heart that God was going to redeem our situation because that is His specialty. Instead of redeeming our lives He is redeeming mine.

    When I married you in May of 1997 I meant the promise that we would grow old together. For a long time after you left I felt cheated. Being a widow at 40 was not what I signed up for and either was raising our boys without a father.

    Every special event became bitter sweet. Emerson had some incredible achievements and at the recognition of each I looked at the chair beside me, either empty or someone else’s parent. I have had countless “you should have been here” moments and those moments do not get easier, not ever.

    I had to make a conscious decision to forgive you. I would say the words but never really feel like I had forgiven you until now. For some reason this is the year that unforgiveness finally left me. I can’t be sure that I let it go. I never wanted it to accompany me so closely, breathing down my neck constantly. It just wouldn’t leave. I tried to chase it away. I tried to run from it. I laid it at the Cross but then would find it right at my side again. The process of praying constantly finally was made complete and unforgiveness along with anger quietly at some unknown moment left my side.

    This is the year that my heart breaks to know that you were so hopeless that dying seemed like a better option than facing the next hour.

    I remember when people would ask you how your wife was and you would always reply, “My wife? She is made of steel.” I think you knew that ultimately, I would be all right. You knew my steadfast faith and deep dependency on God. You knew that better than anyone. You were a witness to my life.

    I’ve been helping with the Grief Share Ministry at my church. We come alongside those who have lost a loved one through death and hopefully minister and help them navigate this new world of grief. In the program they talk about ambush grief. It comes in the moments when out of nowhere and all of the sudden something triggers the grief and it comes pouring out. After 8 years I still am ambushed by grief, attacked just the other day. I was listening to Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”. You loved that song but only when it was sung by Leonard Cohen for some reason. I’ve heard it a million times but this time when he sang the line:

    “And even though it all went wrong I stand before the Lord of song with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah”

    I became inconsolable crying.

    Because even though it all went wrong

    and even though our family and an entire community were devastated

    and even though your children have been left with a scar that will never fade and never go away

    and even though you still had work yet to be done on this Earth

    and even though two of your addiction patients died within weeks of you because they could not get the help they needed

    and even though terrible things happened to me in the year after you left

    and even though the weight of grief crippled me and I still had to carry our children

    and even though there were countless times I was sure I would never, ever laugh again

    and even though my dreams died with you in the woods

    and even though I would cry myself to sleep and wake up crying for a long time

    and even though the grief was intractable and unbearable and all consuming

    and even though my heart will never be the same

    and even though there were days it took everything in me just to breathe

    and even though our children have a lifetime of work in order to heal

    and even though there were times I hated you  

    and even though it felt like I was swimming through mud

    and even though I will always grieve you and I am not sure if healing will ever be completed

    and even though your death caused me to feel a level of excruciating I never knew existed

    Hallelujah.

    God was and is faithful.

    Sometimes the miracle we want or expect is not the miracle we receive but one nonetheless. The miracle is I survived. The miracle is the boys will be alright. The miracle is I now have a fortitude built from dust. The miracle is I discovered for myself that every word about the character of God in the Bible is true. He keeps every promise forever. He is close to the broken hearted. He is my refuge, my strong tower, and my shelter. He is the defender of the widows and father to the fatherless. The miracle is He yields the power to turn tragedy into triumph and He did. The miracle is that I know why Jesus said those who mourn are blessed. The miracle is He gave purpose to my pain. The miracle is I did laugh again. The miracle is even though I am not who I once was I am becoming who I was meant to be not in spite of the tragedy but because of it. The miracle is Hallelujah.

    I used get so angry when people would say, “He is in a better place” because you were not supposed to be there yet and I was not supposed to be cleaning up the mess. I would think of you dancing in Heaven with the angels and get furious. You were supposed to be dancing with me and our children for years to come. You were supposed to walk Leah down the aisle. We were supposed to be grandparents together. A lifetime of supposed to’s would never happen.

    Now, though, on this day this year I smile. You are at peace. You are home. You are missed and you are loved still.

    We are healing. We are carrying on. We hold to the promise that God will work all things, even this, for our good. We have seen that promise bear fruit and rejoice knowing there is more to come.

    And I have nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah.

  • Of the Most High

    Of the Most High

    The morning began in church. My new friends, Ann and Jim, found me and thanked me profusely for the clothes. I asked them to sit with me and they happily took seats. At the end of the service Ann put her hand on my back and lowered her head. She was praying for me. She who had nothing was praying for me and though I didn’t hear what her words were, I am quite certain it was the most beautiful prayer ever offered on my behalf.

    I met Ann and Jim on Monday when my small group served dinner to those experiencing homelessness who were staying in our church for the week. After all the guests had a plate, I found a seat at their table. They shared with me their story of the last few months and how Jim had a medical crisis that left him out of work for a few months. The loss of income led to the loss of their home and the loss of their children. Thankfully, their kids were taken in by family but for some reason Ann and Jim were not. They each worked factory jobs. Ann complained that her hands hurt terribly from deboning chicken all day. I promised to return with some Tiger balm pain ointment to help.

    As I drove home it occurred to me that I had unopened Tiger balm in my cabinet. It was there “just in case” but I had no imminent need for it. I had taken much too much for granted. This ointment stored in my cabinet that I did not even use was something another person desperately needed.

    That night as I went to bed, I prayed differently than I normally do. I thanked God for my bed, my sheets, the heat in my house, the gas in my car, the clothes in my closet, the pantry filled with food, the Tiger balm in my cabinet. I thanked Him that I had the ability to anticipate unmet needs and I prayed for my new friends who could not meet existing needs.

    There a million little things I take for granted each day and I am ashamed that it took meeting a couple who had only the clothes on their backs to remind me. But now, I will make an effort to not take them for granted and to be thankful for those million things that actually aren’t so little.

    On Sunday evening some wonderful men from the church helped bring in the our popcorn machine from home.  It was Superbowl Sunday and I thought popcorn would be necessary to have a proper party with the guests staying in my Father’s House. They began to come over before I even started the machine. I could tell it had been a while since they ate fresh popcorn like the kind from the movie theatre. They stood around and watched as the machine began pouring popcorn out of the kettle. I noticed one man looking a bit forlorn, not taking his eyes off the machine.

    He looked up at me briefly and said, “When I was a kid there was one of these in our neighborhood hardware store,” and went back to gazing at the popcorn.

    I wondered if that was a good memory or a bad one. Was he missing a simpler time when he had shelter and parents to care for him? Or was this a painful memory of a time that began the process that led him to the homeless shelter?

    I could not know without prying so I just stood there in silence with him until I could hand him a bag of popcorn. He smiled, thanked me, and walked over to the soda table. Yet another luxury I take for granted. Soda. At the shelter they typically only have water or lemonade. It was a special occasion indeed because they had soda.

    Dinner began with plenty of time to be sure everyone was settled by the time the Superbowl began. My mother made beef stew because, being an older Asian woman, she believes wholeheartedly that everyone needs a nutritious meal and pizza and wings do not cut it. The local Dominos donated 25 pizzas and 300 chicken wings were donated by two different restaurants. It was a feast.

    I also brought jalapeno poppers and was surprised how many of the guests asked what they were. Most of them seemed to have never had them. My mind paused again. I usually eat them as an appetizer in a restaurant, another thing taken for granted. When was the last time I felt the full gratitude of being able to go into a restaurant and order not only a meal but an appetizer as well? Had I ever?

    Eyes began to follow me as I put out the ice cream bar with all the fixings. These grown adults were like children making their own sundaes. It was a beautiful sight to see the laughing and giggling and, hopefully, forgetting the world if only for a brief moment.

    Our culture is completely merit driven. We begin with our children, having them earn money from their chores. In school we earn good grades if we put in the work. As adults we earn raises or promotions. Often, who we are is entirely wrapped up in our ability to contribute something society deems “worthy.”

    But what happens when you find yourself in a position to assist someone and you don’t know if they are able to receive it or are worthy as you imagine that to mean? As Christians, we do it anyway. Or we should do it anyway.

    I have sat around tables with good Christian women who come up with a list of reasons they don’t give money or try to help those experiencing homelessness. “They just don’t want to work. They will just use it on drugs. They made poor decisions. They might be criminals. They have cell phones.”

    And, honestly, I just want to scream. Jesus didn’t ask us to help those we deem worthy. He didn’t tell us to control what they do, only what we do. My ability to treat another with dignity, kindness, respect, and love has absolutely nothing to do with their ability to receive it.

    During the week the shelter was at my church a hole was burned in my heart that there must more to being a disciple of Christ than just feeding the homeless for a week. Certainly, we are called to do more than put some food on their plate and send them to the next church. And the next. My belief system and my compassion demand more. If I am a child of the Most High I must do more.

    I started small. I sat at dinner. I talked to them. I brought them clothes and gave them rides. Some became my friends. My youngest handed out “goodie bags” filled with candy and treats. We didn’t ask how or why they were homeless. We didn’t ask if they had a drug problem or owned a cell phone. We just showed them, I hope with all my heart, the love of Jesus. A love that is not based on who I am but who He is. A love I could never earn or deserve. A love despite my poor decisions, wanderings, and wickedness. A love that sees the lowest, nastiest parts of me and still does not cease. He pours out even more.

    If I am a child of the Most High, how can I not endeavor to show the same?

  • My Father’s Voice

    My Father’s Voice

    When I was a child and would ask my father the definition of a word he would never give me the answer. He would present me with another question.
    “What do you think it means?” he would ask me.
    I would reply “I don’t know. That is why I am asking.”
    His next statement was always the same, everytime. “I will use it in a sentence.” After doing so he would pause and after a moment he would ask again “What do you think it means?”
    I despised this routine. I just wanted him to tell me. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to have to figure it out. I just wanted the answers given to me. But I thought as a child. My father knew that I would learn the word better if I figured it out myself. He knew that he was training my brain to think. Though he could have given me the answer he gave me something even more valuable – the ability to find it myself.
    When I became a mother and my oldest child first asked me a meaning of a word without even thinking I looked at him and said “What do you think it means?” I heard my father’s voice as I spoke his truth. The awful, wonderful, frustrating tradition continued.
    When I find myself facing struggles and difficulties I will often ask God what does this mean? Just like my other father, He never just tells me the answer. He doesn’t say “My child, you are to learn to love well” or “I am training you to be strong for something else entirely that I know you will face” or “You need to show this person who drives you crazy who my Son is.”

    God sits silent and in that silence I hear Him say, “What do you think it means?”
    So often in life I am still very much like that child only now my father’s voice is my heavenly Father’s voice. I try to not ask him “why” something is happening. I learned long ago that the answer does not come and even if it did, how would that make any of it any better or the pain any less potent? Why was my child born with special needs? Why did my husband kill himself? Why must I raise my boys void of a father-figure?

    Somethings must be born from the struggle. I am convinced struggle is a different soil. When watered with tears and sweat it will bear fruit that would, simply, not come to fruition any other way.

    I zero in on the “What does this mean?” and “How will this define me?” and “How can this transform me?” questions.
    I suspect that God wants me to truly, earnestly, and vehemently learn the lessons that He will bring out of horrible, difficult, impossible situations. Romans 8:28 is a Bible verse we who follow know well.
    “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.”

    But we often stop at that verse perhaps because it fits neatly on a coffee mug or book mark. However, it is the next verse that, to me, solves the mystery of what I am supposed to learn and exactly why and how God works all things for good…
    29 For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

    To be conformed to the image of His Son…

    He doesn’t work all things for good so that we can have nicer cars or promotions or Facebook perfect lives. The answer to the “what does this mean” question is never something my flesh would crave but something my spirit desperately needs. It is so that I will be more like Jesus. The kicker is, I have to let Him. I have to be willing to zero in on things of eternal import.

    Why was my child born with special needs? I do not know. What have I learned from it? Patience, resolve, kindness, perseverance, how to choose joy, unconditional love, and the list goes on. Why did the heartache of my husband’s death pass through God’s hands and why did He allow it to happen? I do not know that either. What have I learned from it? God is faithful. He is close to the broken hearted. He is the defender of the widow. His promises are true. He restores what was lost, perhaps not in the way we expect or desire, but we are blessed by the restoration. That list goes on as well.

    I believe that God sits in silence sometimes even when I am the child demanding answers precisely because the answer must be attained so that I can learn it on a soul level. It must be ingrained into who I am so that it is natural for me to take what I have learned and utilize it with confidence because it is mine. I have ownership. I can use it to help others and I can allow God to use it to transform me ever so gradually into the image of His beloved Son. As Christians, that is the ultimate goal after all…to hear our Father’s voice and be transformed, glory to glory.

  • Embracing Our Brokenness

    Embracing Our Brokenness

    I recently had the honor of sharing my testimony with the Ministry for Women at my church. The audio is below.

    I’m sharing mostly because friends had asked to hear but, honestly, I can’t figure out how to share it with anyone who does not have gmail.

    At any rate, this is part of my story.  I hope it blesses His heart

  • The Maintenance Man

    The Maintenance Man

    I pulled up to the massive school. The outside was pristine and beautiful but I could not tell where the entrance was to the theater. As I drove around the building for the second time I noticed a maintenance man wrestling with a ladder so I rolled down my window.

    “Excuse me, I’m trying to find the main entrance,” I said.

    He looked confused.

    “My son is performing today. Where is the theatre in this school?”

    He looked at me and then glanced around the school.

    “Ya know, I’ve been here ten years and I have no idea. I always work on the outside. We never go inside,” he said almost apologetically.

    I drove away and around the building another time when I finally noticed the camp counselors trying to direct parents but the man’s words stayed with me.

    For ten years he only worked on the outside of the building. He never went inside.

    I arrived early and those who know me will attest that is not unusual. I found the restroom and was surprised to see the state of the inside of the school. The pipes were rusty and paint was peeling. It did not at all match the near perfect outside.

    When the outside is glorious an expectation that the inside is equally marvelous is created. Inevitably, disappointment creeps in as you begin to see that the inside does not match the outside, not even close.

    I believe there is a pervasive notion in the Christian world that our outside needs to appear perfect. For, if we love Jesus we must have it “all together.” We can spend an entire decade caring for the outside without ever stepping inside. We aren’t sure what rooms are even in our hearts. We never peer in ourselves, let alone allow others the opportunity to see the messiest of our rooms.

    In a complete moment of honesty, I would say most of us have mismatched exteriors and interiors.  I know I do. Like the maintenance man I met, so much attention and detail is given to what others can see and I push things under the bed and into dusty corners. Eventually, though, someone will either be invited in or, perhaps, wander.

    He will ask about a room in my heart and I’ve spent so much time neglecting it, I’m not even sure where it is or how to get there. Unlike other guests, He knows exactly where the rooms are and what is in them.

    “It is this way,” He says, “let’s clean it up.”

    He opens the door and I can’t see anything but clutter. I see broken pieces everywhere.

    “It is too messy,” I tell Him.

    He picks up a piece.

    “We can do this, one piece at a time,” He reassures me.

    Gradually because of His patience and my perseverance, the room is livable.

    He leads me to the next room and opens the door.

    “I don’t want to clean this one,” I tell Him trying to shut the door. “This is where I keep my secrets.”

    “We must. Do you not see how much they have grown? They only gain in power in this darkness. They will bust out the windows and the doors. They will overtake the entire house. We must make room for what I want to put here but it is a big job. You will need help for this one, someone to come along side you. Someone who will check on the progress and help keep you on task. Let’s bring in a friend who will stay with you,” He tells me lovingly as He throws open the shades.

    We have been working so much on the inside that the outside is starting to look worn. I ask Him if we can work on the outside, the part people see.

    “It is all right,” He tells me. “We are making them match.”

    It is a long, painstaking process.  Room by room He opens the doors and shows me what needs to be done. Sometimes I am obedient. Other times I fight Him. Eventually, I surrender.

    Some rooms stay neat and orderly. Others require constant dusting and arranging. He shows me each time what needs to be done.

    The outside becomes more worn as the inside becomes more inviting. My exterior begins to match my interior. I open the doors, unashamed of the outer appearance and the interior’s condition. It is ready for guests to enter. It is ready for others to see. I am ready to share how, by the Grace of God and love of Christ, my house is restored. I share with them what it looked like before so they can know how it came to look as it does. I tell them I might need assistance keeping the rooms tidy. I ask for help. I offer to help with theirs.

    Like every house, though, constant maintenance is required. Now, however, I don’t leave the maintenance man outside. I invite Him in. Each and every day.

     

  • Two Roads

    My life often feels like this picture. I travel the rough road on the right while almost everyone I know travels the left. My road is bumpy and at times treacherous. There are places where there are no lines and days I don’t even know if I am on the correct side. Potholes appear suddenly and I swerve to miss them. It’s very constitution changes beneath me with no signs of warning. My road is worn from time and use.

    I watch as cars zoom by on the other side. From where I am, I am sure they can turn on cruise control. Their road is so well defined they can almost not think about the direction in which to go. I envy them as I watch. All the children have the ideal number of chromosomes. They do not have to stop often for doctor appointments or IEPs or meltdowns. They can stop anywhere to eat or use the restroom. Everyone just hops out of the car. We have to wait until there is a place with food easily pureed or family restrooms. We have a wheelchair and diapers for a 16 year old and a feeding tube. Life seems easy for them and I envy the simplicity.

    My road has many diversions. There are stops that take time and we can’t get anywhere fast. Mandatory hospital stays and surgeries keep us stranded, sometimes for days. There is nothing smooth about the road we travel.

    But it is our road and the only way we can travel on the other side is with the absence of one of our passengers and no one wishes that. So I learn to live as a vigilant driver. I adjust accordingly. I expect the unexpected. My children grow increasingly patient and empathic. They learn to lean when I swerve. They take care of one another in a way I doubt they would had we traveled the other road. There is no way to know for certain, but I suspect they are and will be different people for their journey.

    The grass is just as green on our side. We travel under the same sky, the same stars, the same moon. We see the same sun and God shines on both roads. We have wild flowers, rolling hills, and lush meadows. The scenery is as beautiful. In the slowness of our pace I can take in more of it. I can breathe deeply and almost smell the morning dew. It is during the stops that seem so long when I notice the clouds and the sun. It is those moments that give us a chance to dance even when there is no music.

    See, my road still goes somewhere. Although it is different and challenging I am grateful to be on it. It is, for the most part, exhausting. Cruise control is not an option. Even so, I know full well there are families who wish they could be on my road. For they once were but at one of the stops they had to leave their special passenger and pieces of their own hearts. I know they would give anything to deal with potholes and wheelchairs and doctor appointments. I know they miss this road and I realize it is an honor to be exactly where I am.

    I can spend my time begrudgingly traveling, indignant and angry for the road on which I traverse. Or I can drive with gratitude and joy but I must drive.

    I must travel.

    How I do is entirely up to me.

  • Two Crosses

    Two Crosses

    As Easter approaches I have been thinking about the Cross. To the Romans, at that time, it was a means to inflict the most shame and send a resounding message of defeat. They had several methods of capital punishment but reserved crucifixion to leave a lingering message to their enemies. It was the most painful and disgraceful punishment in an arsenal that included strangulation, stoning, and burning.

    Yet the lingering message the crucifixion of Jesus was not what the Romans intended. As Christians we do not see shame, defeat, or disgrace when we look at a Cross, the symbol of our faith. We see redemption and resurrection. We see victory. We see love so great that even death could not consume it.

    Growing up in the Christian world I have heard, “we all have our cross to bear” countless times. In Luke 9:23 Jesus says “And He said to all, If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”

    However, “we all have our cross to bear” was almost always said to me with a negative connotation. We use it when discussing hardship or challenge. The image it would immediately bring to my mind is Jesus carrying His cross up that hill to die.

    But what if that is the wrong image of the cross I bear? Am I thinking of the Roman cross or Jesus’ Cross? Upon the Roman cross is nailed a punishment but upon my Jesus’ cross there is an invitation, the sweetest of proposals. What man meant for torture and shame only by the power of God was transformed to give life and promises both for now and eternity. What was meant to kill a movement changed the entire world and every heart for those who truly believe.

    My thoughts about the cross of Jesus turn to my own personal cross. What is that one thing that was meant to, or could have, destroyed me but by the power and Grace of a loving God became my triumph?

    I live in a complicated, beautiful world of special needs and autism. I can’t recall the specific moment I went from being a timid, frightened mother to a banner waving, “wohoo special needs is awesome” kind of mom. It was a natural progression and at some indescribable moment the cross I carried was transformed from a death sentence to a life promise. I discovered that the cross I bear doesn’t have to be the one society gave me but must be the one God intended for me.

    My mind and my heart made the decision that my cross would represent life and love and power. My faith allowed God the opportunity to give me the ability to accomplish this. Special needs could have destroyed who I was instead of transforming me into who I was meant to be.

    Make no mistake, it is a difficult world in which we who love someone with special needs live. We often feel isolated and different because we are. Other mother’s of teenagers are busy going to basketball games or track meets. I am going to every sensory friendly event offered and doctor appointments with every specialist. I am often exhausted. Everything others take for granted can be and often is an overwhelming challenge to my family.

    It is not easy. It is impossible to not be changed by living in the world of special needs. It is possible to decide what sort of change will take place.

    The world in which we live is colorful. It is filled with hugs and joy. It isn’t about the fact that my son cannot speak, it is about the fact that he speaks with no words. Everything others take for granted can be and often is an overwhelming victory for my family. It is life amplified. The lows are heartbreaking but the highs are found in heights I could only appreciate by having a child like mine.

    I do not choose whether or not I will bear a cross, I choose what my cross looks like and how I carry it. I decide whether or not it will represent shame and disgrace or the glorious promise that God works all things for good. I alone can cast my eyes down in despair or raise my chin and hold my head high.

    What is the cross you must bear? Is it abandonment? Your addiction? The death of a loved one? A medical diagnosis? Mental health struggles? Guilt? Will it be a cross of shame that you hang upon despondent and alone? Or will it be a cross of promise for all to see and perhaps extract hope for themselves?

    The important part to remember is the cross you bear doesn’t have to be a cross of disgrace just because society deems it so. It can become the cross of redemption, resurrection, and victory because God deems it so. He deemed it on Calvery and He deems it in your situation.

    It is entirely up to you to choose which cross you will carry. The rest is up to God and He never fails.

  • Find the K’s

    Find the K’s

    I bought Nathan, my five-year-old, a workbook to reinforce his pre-k lessons regarding learning letters. One of the exercises required him to circle all the letter k’s from letters randomly thrown across the page. Once that was complete he was to connect the circles to reveal the picture. He had a role to play and had to put effort into the exercise.

    I watched as my son examined the letters with the tenacity of a scientist. He carefully circled each k he could find. I gazed down at the page and could easily see what the picture would be . From an adult’s mind there was no great mystery to be revealed but to a child it was entirely unknown.

    Halfway through circling the k’s he looked up at me with his gigantic blue eyes.

    “What is it going to be, Mommy?” he asked.

    “Keep working baby,” I told him. “You will see”.

    He could not decipher the image as it slowly unfolded. I could have just told him, “Oh it’s a kitten with a kite” and ruined the surprise for him. I could have given him the information and all his hard work would have been for nothing. Giving him the answer would not have helped him learn the lesson brought before him. Instead, I waited patiently as he continued seeking.

    A few moments later he looked at me and said “Mommy I want to circle some of the n’s for Nathan” as he circled one.

    I gently remind him that was not the task at hand. If he circled the n’s he would not see the picture that was intended. I helped him refocus on what he was supposed to do but I did not condemn him. I did not yell at him for becoming distracted. I gently nudged him back to where he was supposed to be. It was entirely up to him to listen or not.

    “But I circled one,” he told me with discouragement.

    “It’s ok, we can erase it and pretend like it never happened,” I said taking the pencil from him to rid his mistake.

    “Thank you,” he replied sweetly as I kissed him on the head.

    Once he finished his eyes lit up with utter joy and excitement.

    “It is a kitten flying a kite!” he screamed.

    At that moment I limited myself to join him on his level and said with equal excitement and surprise, “It is! Well done!”

    I was not condescending even though I knew all along what the picture would reveal. I genuinely was thrilled. I applauded the effort and relished his sense of accomplishment.

    How often is this the scene from my life? I know what I am supposed to be doing. I am searching for my k’s so that I might connect the dots and see the mystery unfold before me. Some days I can be tenacious and other days I am rather lazy. Some days all of the k’s stand out and I can clearly see the direction to take. Yet other days life is such a jumbled mess I cannot see with clarity. I have times when trying to put order to the chaos is overwhelming and I am sure it will never be more than a complete mess.

    Even so, God is standing over me. He is encouraging me to keep on trying. He knows what the picture will be. Not only can He already see it, He created it. He knows that upon completion I will be ecstatic with what has been given to me. He lowers Himself as any good parent would and is just as excited as I am when the final picture is revealed. He may even exclaim, “Well done!”

    But I get distracted. I want to wander from what I am meant to do to what I want to do. My focus is diverted to something that does not contribute to the beautiful picture being created for me. I misstep. It is corrected, blotted out by a loving and gracious parent. He tells me, “It is ok. We can pretend as if that never happened. I erased it for you already.”
    He gently nudges me to continue. He tells me that though it doesn’t make sense right now, with each next step the picture will become a little clearer.

    I persist. The more k’s I circle the fewer letters there are to sort through. It becomes easier and easier for me to find another one and then another. I just do the next right thing.

    I rejoice in the accomplishment when the picture is complete. I can finally see how my hard work with God’s guidance and Grace has created for me beauty from chaos. I thank Him for His love and encouragement. He kisses me on the head. With the eagerness of a child I say, “May I have another one?” and He happily hands me a new page.