Patience to Endure

Thank you for stopping by to read my first blog post. I am not quite sure I have much to offer as far as my thoughts and reflections are concerned.  My oldest son seems to think I do. When my husband died I promised God would extract every ounce of glory and that I would do my part to ensure the story did not end. It is my way of saying “thank you” to Him who is ever-present, ever faithful, ever-loving, and ever good.

Everyone has a story. This is mine.

Almost seven years ago I lost my husband to suicide. In the amount of time it takes to pull a trigger I went from a married woman with a beautiful family to a forty-year old widow. As my story unfolds on this blog, I will share some of the details only because they point back to the Goodness and Glory of God. The cost to find out first hand why those who mourn are blessed was high but one can not experience it and remain silent.

It wasn’t the first time, however, my life was radically altered in a matter of seconds. My second son, Wesley, was born sixteen years ago. I thought and all indications were I was going to have a typical, healthy baby boy. However, the moment he was born everyone in the room knew that was not the case. I went from ecstatic to have another baby to still ecstatic yet horribly terrified and grief-stricken all at once. It was a unique moment in my life when ordinarily conflicting emotions all converged as they told me everything was not all right. My journey through Pediatric Intensive Care Units and begging God to let me keep my son are part of my story.  The celebrations over accomplishments other children naturally conquer are the bigger part of my story. Having a son who teaches me every single day what it means to be unconquerable is the best part of my story with my beloved Wesley.

People often comment to me that I am strong. I am not. But my God is. Through restless nights and prayers for things others take for granted I became patient. When all seemed lost His Promises and presence gave me the patience to endure. Lately it occurs to me perhaps that is what it truly takes to endure. Hebrews 10:36 says  “Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised ” and I believe that is how I have gotten this far on my journey.  Strength fails. Optimism fades. Focus gets distracted. Some days the load is simply too heavy to bear let alone move. The patience to endure and His strength that was made perfect in my weakness have brought me through crying out helplessly after the doctors told me there was nothing more they could do for my son. It brought me through days all I could do was breathe and through days of holding my children as they wept uncontrollably. It brought me through abandonment, betrayal, and intractable anguish.  The patience to endure brought me to the joy that comes in the morning. It brought me to the promises He kept and they are far more than I could have ever asked or imagined.

The hope of a future with new dreams to realize once felt impossible.  To quote my favorite Author “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”  (Matthew 19:26)

I hope you come back.